Feel
by Kali47
Summary: People wrongly think Nathan cannot feel. But there are some things he can feel as accurately as anyone else: remorse, guilt or regret...  Explorative pieces on his relationship with Duke, his father and Audrey.
1. Feel

**FEEL**

Chapters: intro + 3 chapters  
><span>Type:<span> angst  
><span>Rating:<span> PG  
><span>Main characters:<span> Nathan Wuornos (Duke Crooker, Garland Wuornos, Audrey Parker)  
><span>Timeline:<span> Explorative piece set throughout season 1 and the beginning of season 2, not many spoilers_  
><em>Summary: People wrongly think Nathan cannot feel. But there are some things he can feel as accurately as anyone else, like remorse, guilt or regret. 3 little pieces which explore each feeling.  
><span>Beta Reader:<span> none  
><span>Disclaimer:<span> Don't own the show; don't own the characters (sadly).  
><span>Written:<span> September, 2011

o0o

'_Nathan Wuornos cannot feel.'_

In the little town of Haven, Maine, it was a fact nearly everybody was aware of.

Yes it was true: the Chief of Police's son couldn't feel the biting cold of a stormy winter day, or the soft touch of a freshly-washed cotton shirt. He couldn't feel the pain of a bullet's graze on his arm, or the splitting headache induced by a hard blow to the back of the head (something, even himself, had to admit sometimes came in handy, in his line of work).

Most people turned a blind eye on his difference, as they did with the rest of Haven's _eccentricities_. To some very few residents, his trouble made him a curiosity, a wonder; but others were a lot less kind in their approach. There were talks of curses and evil, and the brown-haired boy was labelled a freak of nature, a monster.

Little did the good people of Haven know how wrong they were, for there were things Nathan Wuornos felt as accurately as anyone else. Yes, even for him, there was no escaping the wrongness of remorse, the shamefulness of guilt and the bitterness of regret…

**TBC**


	2. Remorse, Nathan & Duke

**FEEL**

**remorse  
><strong>_n_

**1.** a sense of deep regret and guilt for some misdeed

.

The relationship between Duke Crocker and Nathan Wuornos was — for lack of a better word — complex.

Both boys were of almost the same age and lived in a small town, so, of course, they were bound to run into each other at some point. There was only one school in Haven, after all.

Nathan was a quiet kid, not more studious than your average student, but still someone who liked to keep to himself. He enjoyed walks along the coastline on his own more than long hours spent playing pinball with groups of youngster. His father, the Chief of Police, didn't really care that Nathan was a loner. As long as the boy kept out of trouble, and was home before the curfew; all was fine by him.

Duke was the exact opposite. He was loud, full of energy and tricks. His father was a fisherman. Well… that was the official title he gave himself — after all, people didn't really need to know that his cargo wasn't always legitimate. Crocker senior enjoyed the company of women (a little too much) and he enjoyed drinking (way too much). What is kid was up to, most of the time, was completely lost of him.

Nathan and Duke often ran into each other; they exchanged smiles and sometimes even talked a little. They weren't exactly friends, but there was no animosity between them. It got to the point where it wouldn't have taken much effort, from any of them, to turn their acquaintance into something more. Sadly neither kid ever bothered to take that first step.

As both boys grew up, it seemed like an invisible rift was growing between them as well. With time, there were more and more differences, and less and less things in common to be found.

Nathan started wishing for normality more than ever. Duke wished for something else altogether.

The fisherman's son wished to leave, he wished his father dead, and even sometimes surprised himself by wishing for his comrade's ability not to feel. How that would have come in handy when his father's fists violently connected with his face or his stomach. Duke always had good excuses to explain the bruises though, stories tucked up his sleeve and ready to be told. Funnily enough, no one ever cared to ask.

Honestly, that's how Duke would like to remember the story, but truth be told, there was one boy who did ask once. He didn't like thinking back to that day. Remembering Nathan's concerned gaze and cautious words always made a different kind of ache well up inside his chest. He had fed him a story of fishing and sliding on deck and falling flat on his face. It was a funny story and Duke had forced himself to smile when he told it. Nathan hadn't smiled, he'd just nodded. There had been something in his eyes, some kind of silent understanding, but Duke had forcefully ignored it and turned his back on Nathan, calling him a _freak_ over his shoulder as he left the room.

And then puberty hit and along with it stupidity rose. A father died and the other was more distant than ever. By then there were jokes which weren't so funny and experiments with pins and blunt objects that should have hurt but didn't. Nathan was feeling more insecure than ever. When other boys were showing growing interest in the fairer sex (and Duke did a lot of that), he remained his quiet self and spent even more time on his own. When others were talking about leaving town and seeing the world (and Duke promised himself he would do just that), Nathan knew he would always remain in Haven. Like his trouble, he belonged to this land; he'd even started considering becoming a police officer.

Time passed. The Troubles went away and then, they came back. And one day, there was a new boat docked in the harbour.

Although he wishes he could forget, Nathan remembers every hurtful word that was ever said to him. He tried ignoring it all, tried being angry, tried fighting back. Nothing ever worked and there are days when those memories still bring tears to his eyes.

Recently Duke tried to remember too, but it all became rather blurry to him. Sure the biggest things are kinda clear in his mind — like the pins in the young man's back (that one he will never forget) — but most of his words seem to have vanished somewhere in the back of his head, along with the Periodic Table and the History of America. Sometimes he feels bad about it all and thinks he really ought to try harder to remember what he's done and said. Maybe he could —should— apologize about some of it, but he never gets around to actually doing it.

Duke came back to town a little while ago and Nathan has to admit the man who came back isn't the same person as the teenager who left years ago. Okay, he is still a bit of a shady character and he has taken way too much after his father. But he's also more grounded now, and there is some good in him that shines sometimes.

Duke isn't the only one who's taken after his old man, Nathan sometimes muses. The lonely boy grew up and he became the town's Chief of Police, and he is a changed man too. No one makes fun of him anymore (or at least, not to his face), but his protective walls are still up strong. He's hardened and rougher around the edges.

Nathan and Duke still are _not_ friends, and there are some memories that will never be forgotten. But it seems, they are back to the status quo they had going on, when they were little. They have some things in common and they have their differences. And once again, it wouldn't take much for them to become friends. One of them, just needs to take that first step…

**TBC**


	3. Guilt, Nathan & Garland

**FEEL**

**guilt**  
><em>n.<em>

**1.**

**a.**Remorseful awareness of having done something wrong.

**b.**Self-reproach for supposed inadequacy or wrongdoing.

.

Garland Wuornos was a complicated man. Born and raised in Haven, he always loved the city and wore the uniform with pride when he became an adult. Later he was made Chief of Police, a position he accepted with humility and the promise to do everything he could to rise up to the task. But _The Troubles_ came back and his job became even harder. His own affliction returned and it became more and more difficult for him to hold things together. The town was starting to crack and it wasn't the only thing that was slowly falling apart.

When he was little Nathan idolized his father. The man was though; he wore a badge, and a gun. He had a uniform, and he was loved and respected by all. It was no surprise that the kid wanted to be like him when he grew up.

Years passed, and Nathan started to realize that his father was really strict. There were lots of rules he had to follow and it wasn't just about doing his homework and going to bed early on week days. No, Wuornos senior's sets of rules also included: stay out of trouble (your father is an officer of the law, it wouldn't look good); don't get into fights or physical activities (you're special son, you know it); don't talk about your mother (she's gone and what's more to say); and a lot more rules that he forgot with time. All those little things seriously made him reconsider. Actually, he didn't want to be anything like his father after all.

When Nathan reached adulthood, he realized he didn't have much in common with the other young men of his age. They were all thinking about leaving town, but he couldn't even imagine himself packing up. His life was here, it was all he knew and the idea of leaving was scaring him a little. He knew he was different, and he would never truly fit in anywhere. At least, in Haven, he knew the rules of the game. It came as no surprise when, one day he stopped by the police station to get the application papers. He filed them a Sunday morning.

When he handed the documents to his father, later that day, he saw something flicker in the old man's eyes that he hadn't seen in a long time. Pride. It lasted just an instant and was quickly covered by a scowl. Then, came a long explanation on how Nathan was not going to get any special treatment and would have to prove himself worthy like any other recruit would. But it was enough for the young man to realize, he'd made the right choice. He followed all the instructions to the letter and proved himself every day, hoping to see the pride in his father's eyes again. That day never came.

As an adult, there were always people who compared Nathan to his father. They imagined how proud Garland had to be of his kid, made endless comparisons. Nathan was never really sure how to feel in those situations. Mostly, he'd just force a smile and find some excuse to leave the room. His father never told him he was proud of him, never said they were alike.

When he let himself think about it, Nathan couldn't even remember the last time his father had told him he loved him. It hurt, so he didn't really let himself think about it. It hurt to wonder if his dad loved him, if he thought him worthy of carrying out his name, if he was proud of the man he became. Days like that, Nathan would just drink himself to oblivion, until he wasn't able to think anymore because he was passed out on the floor. It was okay though, he knew he wouldn't feel the hangover; although, it would always show on his face, the next day. At least it gave his father a reason to show some interest, even if it was to scold him once more.

He got to only calling his father _Chief_ to the point where he often wondered if they were related at all. The fine line between family and work shifted and blurred, and there were days when Nathan only thought of Garland as his boss and nothing else. Other days he found himself longing for something more. He didn't wish for much: a kind word; a quick pat on his shoulder (even though he wouldn't be able to feel it).

Over the years, Nathan had a few cases involving missing kids. He met with heartbroken fathers and worried-sick mothers, each one begging him to bring them back their loved ones. He'd witnessed, first hand, their relief upon reuniting with their children. Days like made Nathan wonder what it is he did to deserve the cold shoulder treatment, his father subjected him to. He would search his mind for hours, never finding anything.

Yes Garland Wuornos was a complicated man. It made sense that his goodbyes would be complicated too. Nathan wasn't his biological son, but he loved him and raised him as his own regardless. In his heart he always knew that one day — when he finally kicked the bucket — it would be Nathan's turn to protect the city, to carry on what he had started.

He'd always known the perils that awaited Haven, and therefore he made sure that Nathan was prepared to face it. Not to say, he never wished it could have been different; that he could have been a little bit easier on his son, that he could have cut him some slack, and been a kinder to him. But he did what had to be done.

His last thoughts as he watches Nathan stand a few feet from him — his face deformed by fear and incomprehension — is that he wishes he could have had more time. A chance for him to explain his actions and correct some of the wrongs he's done.

Nathan has regrets of his own, as he watches the pieces of the Chief— no, the pieces of _his father_, he mentally correct himself — fall haphazardly on the sand. Suddenly, there's a crazy rush of thoughts in his head; so much, it's overwhelming. He thinks, 'oh my god', and 'my father's dead', and 'oh my god'.

His eyes water, as he watches hopelessly, the dozens of unmoving pieces that surround him. He can't even bring himself to think about how he's going to pick them up. Thoughts swirl and swirl, around in his head, and the only thing he can latch on in this mayhem is, "I can't think of the last time I told him I loved him."

**TBC**


	4. Regret, Nathan & Audrey

**FEEL**

**regret**  
><em>n.<em>

**1.** A feeling of disappointment or distress about something that one wishes could be different.

.

Audrey Parker was always a mystery. The moment Nathan met her — that perilous moment where he saved her life and she, as a thank you, turned her gun on him — he knew she was special. He couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was about this city girl that was different, but there was definitely something.

He'd never thought Audrey would stay in Haven. A lot of people moved away when _The Troubles_ returned, and the aura of weirdness that constantly surrounds the town was always enough to drive strangers away. But when he looked at her, he only found wonder in her gaze. She found out soon enough that Nathan was… special. She was not repelled; there was kindness and trust in her eyes, as she looked at him. They started working together and they make a good team, everyone said so.

Nathan thought they balanced each other out nicely. She was new and curious and he knew the town like the back of his hand. She was funny, warm and laughed easily; he was more of a living statue (but it had its advantages, or so he convinced himself). He was always in control and she wore her heart on her sleeve. They were like the two faces of a coin, brought closer by their differences. He had an ability, she didn't. But there was an old article, that showed a woman who looked just like her.

One day Nathan realized, there was more to Audrey than he thought. Not long after, they came to the conclusion that was troubled too, after all. The differences between them started to diminish. Audrey was no-longer a newcomer and Nathan wasn't as cold and closed-of as he used to be. But it was okay, they still made a good team; probably the best this town had ever seen.

One day Nathan realizes, they've become close friends. The thought hits him at home one morning. The realisation comes suddenly and out of the blue — between shower and pancakes — and it takes him ten minutes to work the smile off of his face. He's never really had a true friend before and when he thinks about it, he feels something new grow inside his chest. It's something he's never felt before and he quite likes it. That day, when he stops to buy coffee and donuts on the way to work, he's careful not to forget to take one with rainbow sprinkles and one with cinnamon. They are Audrey's favourites.

When Audrey kisses him on the cheek, he freezes on the spot. Suddenly he's unable to move or even breathe. He felt it. He thinks maybe he imagined it; it's been a long day after all. But as he raises his hand to his cheek, that faint tingling sensation is still very much there.

The next time he sees her, he brushes his hand against her porcelain white fingers, without seeming too obvious. He feels the delicacy of her skin against his and marvels at the sensation.

He wonders if he should tell her, and finally decides against it. He's scared. For the first time, in a long time, he is well and truly afraid. So many things have changed in such little time. His father — who wasn't really his father — is dead; he became Haven's new Chief; and he can feel Audrey. It's all too much for him, and he doesn't even know which thought he should try to process first.

One night, he stops at the Gull for a drink, and Duke manages to see through his façade. There is concern in his eyes and his voice takes a slightly kinder timber, as he asks Nathan if he's okay. The policeman cannot bring himself to answer. He just looks up, startled and a bit shocked to realise the bartender actually cares. He understands that this is one more thing that has changed in his life. Nathan leaves the bar promptly, without so much as a goodbye. He feels like he cannot breathe anymore; he needs space, oxygen, quiet, and almost runs outside.

He walks away from the Gull, and makes his way to the shore. Thoughts swirl in his head, and he's sure if he could get sick, he would have a headache by now. He cannot stop thinking about all those things he's avoided facing. He sinks to his knees and even though he cannot feel them, he knows there are tears rolling down on his cheeks.

There are so many things he's done wrong; so many things he can never change. His head turns to the left and his gaze unintentionally moves to the Gull's upper floor. He knows she's there; the mysterious Audrey Parker.

She is the woman he loves (another new thing for him to wrap his mind around), and he doesn't know what to do about it. He doesn't know how to tell her, doesn't even know if he should. What if she doesn't love him? What if it scares her and she finally decides to leave? What if…

There are many mistakes that he can never correct. There are many regrets that will never leave him. Guilt wraps around his heart, in a vice grip. But maybe, if he's lucky: if he's very, very lucky this might be the one thing he can fix…

.

People thought Nathan Wuornos couldn't feel: they were wrong.

There are things he can feel as accurately as anyone else and some days… he really wishes he couldn't!


End file.
